Jaguar - "Whiney Beer"

When I first laid eyes on Jaguar, I knew this was a tough man's beer. You usually expect any beer sporting a ferocious, ravenous beast on the label to be a little on the rough side... like King Cobra or Schlitz... basically you know it's going to be unrefined panther whiz, but it's something you have to do. It's a rite of passage. And while I was on foreign soil I there was no way I was going to let any local beer taunt me. Well, in my heroic gusto, I missed the small-print epithet: "Winey beer". I know. And I really should have gathered more from that demure, beaten-down look on that jaguar's face... as if he'd once been wild and free, but was now caged, neutered, and waiting to die. His eyes glazed over... a force of nature, broken. I won't get into the traumatizing details of how I popped the top and how my spine shuddered at that rank fruity funk, or how my lips puckered in trepidation as I dared a sip, hoping that somehow it would all be okay... let me sum it up: Jaguar looks like beer, smells like Reunite, and tastes like watered-down champagne. Even has that fizzy aftertaste. It's Boones dressed up like malt liquor. I valiantly washed it down with a dishwater chaser.